Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
