Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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