Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize