chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
