I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize