some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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