I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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