Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
