@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
