They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
