i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Send help, water and tortillas.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
