Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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