it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
