Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can vaginas get frostbite?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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