Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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