my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
