according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
