Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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