I'm eating all of the evidence.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
