I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
