I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
