life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
