Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I didn't shave. On purpose
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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