I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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