How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
