His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
