he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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