you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
