Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
