i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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