Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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