it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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