ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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