Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
