The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
