Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize