So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
