You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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