I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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