Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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