I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
