I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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