Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
