i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
