i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
