you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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