The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
