I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
