I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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