i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I intend to get homeless drunk
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
