well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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