I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
