Yo dont text me then not text me
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
