Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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