i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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