i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
