They should really pass out barf bags in church
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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