I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
