last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
